PFC Chapter 196 The Ruthless and Disabled Crown Prince (100)
Chapter 196 The Ruthless and Disabled Crown Prince (100)
His gaze seemed to have no connection, but as Lu Liruan slowly leaned closer to him, her expression gradually changed.
"Li Ruan..."
His throat felt like it had been rubbed with sand, and as soon as he opened his mouth, he couldn't stop coughing, causing the wound on his lip to open even wider.
It was so shocking that it was impossible to tell whether the blood was from his lips or from what he coughed up...
"you're awake?"
Lu Liruan was dizzy, but her body acted before her brain could, reaching out to touch Ji Shumin.
It wasn't until she touched Ji Shumin's body that Lu Liruan realized she wasn't dreaming.
He immediately came to his senses.
"How are you? Do you want some water?" Lu Liruan hurriedly went to pour water, not noticing that Ji Shumin's gaze shifted slightly and fell on the still-burning dragon and phoenix candle.
Before Lu Liruan could turn around, she felt her clothes being tugged.
"Li Ruan..."
Lu Liruan didn't dare to pull him too hard. She sat back down next to him, watching his thin chest rise and fall, breathing out little by little.
"Why did you light it..." Ji Shumin raised his head slightly.
Lu Liruan followed his gaze and saw that a lot of candle wax had fallen, making it look as if the candle was crying.
"Just for good luck." Lu Liruan picked up a handkerchief, wet it, turned his face around, and carefully and gently wiped the bloodstains from his lips.
"Look, you're awake now, maybe you'll be of some use," Lu Liruan joked, trying to sound casual.
“Yes.” Ji Shumin gazed at Lu Liruan with lingering affection, unable to get enough of her.
The little girl's hair was messy, and her eyes, which were always bright and looked at her, were red and swollen. She sat there against the light, her expression filled with a sorrow and grief that was beyond her years.
Just one glance from her would make one feel that their life had not been in vain in this world... Ji Shumin thought to himself in a daze.
The candlelight flickered dimly, casting a shaky glow on everything, making the room seem like an unstable ship, its destination unknown.
Perhaps it really will sail to the other shore... but where is the other shore?
Ji Shumin realized that his thoughts were no longer under his control, and only a small part of his mind could still think according to his requirements.
"I couldn't see anything at all. It felt like it was dark whether I opened my eyes or closed them. I was feeling really uncomfortable... so I thought I'd rest for a while. But then I suddenly saw a light in the distance. When I went over to look, I saw Li Ruan."
Ji Shumin's voice was soft and gentle, like he was telling a story. Lu Liruan didn't know if he was telling the truth or just making up a story to chat with her, but her eyes still stung.
"Yeah, you have to come find me next time you see me."
“Okay, I’ll always come to you,” Ji Shumin replied softly.
The boat beneath him seemed to sway and rock again with the flickering candlelight, threatening to shatter Ji Shumin's bones and muscles.
His breaths escaped uncontrollably from between his teeth.
Lu Liruan reached out to touch him, but perhaps due to withdrawal symptoms, she could still leave clear fingerprints on his pale, cold skin even when she gently held his arm.
He tried to let go, but Ji Shumin grabbed his hand in return. With this movement, his fingertips became engorged with blood, and he took a couple of deep breaths to feel less suffocated.
"Li Ruan, where are we going?" he suddenly murmured. "Do you want to come with me?"
Lu Liruan didn't know what he was talking about; she could only see that he looked confused.
"Where are we going... I don't know, but I'll go with you wherever you go," Lu Liruan coaxed him, trying to cover him with the blanket again.
"it is good……"
Ji Shumin was momentarily lost in thought, then realized he had just been talking nonsense.
They couldn't go anywhere. He couldn't walk, and Li Ruan was being pulled and trapped by him. Neither of them could leave, so they could only endure it here.
“Li Ruan, I don’t want anything anymore,” Ji Shumin suddenly said.
His expression was so calm that it was as if he had said something completely ordinary.
Lu Liruan opened her mouth, but said nothing.
"I don't want anything anymore, Li Ruan, you'll die with me." As he said these words, Ji Shumin felt a sudden lightness in his heart, as if a heavy weight had been removed.
It seems like I've finally found what I wanted most, among countless others, I've finally grasped what I truly desired.
Lu Liruan never expected him to say such a thing. Over the years, Ji Shumin had never been without his principles.
Being in this environment, Ji Shumin was already used to it. Lu Liruan always felt that this was an instinct etched into his life. But at this moment, by the light of the candle, Lu Liruan saw emptiness and weariness in his half-closed eyes.
Lu Liruan had never felt his exhaustion and pain so clearly before, as if it were about to devour him completely and make him no longer like himself.
"Don't talk nonsense." Lu Liruan reached out to cover his mouth, but before she could even touch Ji Shumin, she was stared at by his serious gaze, and her movements stopped in her tracks.
Ji Shumin wasn't just complaining casually... he was persistently waiting for Lu Liruan to give him an answer.
Lu Liruan was in such a state of confusion that she didn't know where to begin. How should she answer?
If she agrees, what will Ji Shumin do? Given his madness, he might actually drag her to her death right now.
Lu Liruan thought a long time had passed, but in reality, only a moment had passed. In that moment, countless thoughts flashed through her mind.
Then Lu Liruan realized that she was not afraid or hesitant at all, and was actually considering... what would happen if she really died with Ji Shumin?
Will she return to nothingness, or will her soul be scattered? Lu Liruan didn't know, but she wasn't afraid at all, as if dying with Ji Shumin wasn't such a difficult choice.
"I wonder if I'm going crazy from all this torture..." Lu Liruan asked herself.
"Li Ruan is unwilling?"
Ji Shumin's gaze, which he had barely managed to look over, slowly drifted away again. His tone was soft and low, a mixture of resentment and relief, but without a trace of blame or anger.
No matter how harsh his words were, Ji Shumin couldn't bring himself to be cruel to Lu Liruan.
It's alright... She's perfectly fine, so beautiful and vibrant, like the flowers she planted, like the birds she raised. For the next few decades, she'll have wonderful days of spring outings, summer lake excursions, autumn horseback riding, and winter gathering around the stove to brew tea.
She could travel to all the famous mountains and rivers described in the storybooks, to see the border winds and wastelands that she always chattered about.
Everything is great, every day is enjoyable, but I've lost myself.
Ji Shumin smiled slightly. What a wonderful life! She couldn't bear to part with it, so naturally she couldn't be blamed.
I should blame myself... for causing her so much sorrow for nothing.
How could I be so disappointing, making her cry until her eyes were swollen?
"Why aren't you saying anything? It's rare to see Li Ruan so quiet." He rubbed the hem of her clothes with his fingertips: "I was just kidding you. Don't be afraid. I was just lying to you before. How could I bear to do that?"
"Li Ruan, don't hold a grudge against me, but remember me. It wasn't my intention to treat you badly, so I apologize." Ji Shumin couldn't see Lu Li Ruan's expression clearly, but he could vaguely make out that she was hanging her head, looking dejected and pitiful.
Ji Shumin was afraid that she would feel guilty.
He was born with a clever mind and was very good at understanding people's hearts. He regretted asking that question. If Li Ruan was unwilling, she would feel indebted to him because of her sensitivity.
In the past, Ji Shumin would have been happy to see it; he loved to see Lu Liruan behave in any way because of him.
But now, he doesn't want to watch anymore...
He needs to cheer her up, so she doesn't end up with a long face.
Whether it was because his spirits had dissipated or it was fate, Ji Shumin felt that he could no longer move forward.
"No one will think you are dumb if you don't speak."
Suddenly, Lu Liruan's indignant voice came.
"Ji Shumin, what are you pretending to be a good person for?" Lu Liruan lifted the bed curtains, and in his momentary stunned expression, grabbed his collar and forced him to look at her.
"You're not thinking of me at all, you're thinking of yourself. What are you trying to prove with this hypocritical act, trying to convince me that 'a dying man speaks good words'? Do you think I believe that?" Lu Liruan scoffed.
"Now that you're mentally sound, what about everything you said and did before? Am I just unlucky? Am I someone who believed your lies?"
Lu Liruan wasn't just acting angry; she was genuinely angry. Ji Shumin was now trying to give her a way out, to let her walk on her own... He didn't even realize that he was here because of him.
“I’ll knock down those candles right now and burn this place. It’ll be all red and festive, just like when we got married. You won’t have to suffer anymore, and I won’t have to be tormented by you like this anymore. How about that?” Lu Liruan looked at him with clear and serious eyes, completely unaware that there was anything wrong with what she was saying.
Spending too much time with someone as eccentric as Ji Shumin, it's quite normal to pick up some of his madness yourself.
"How lively and festive it will be! The history books of every dynasty will record our names, and we'll be remembered for all time. What do you say?"
Ji Shumin was amused by her.
"Li Ruan has thought things through very thoroughly."
"I'm serious, Ji Shumin. I'm willing to die with you, but I'd rather live with you." With her senses restored, Lu Liruan was utterly sincere.
“I feel quite frustrated…” Lu Liruan revealed her true feelings: “I want to save you, I should save you, but I feel that I am useless, I can’t save you at all… It would be better if we died together, at least I wouldn’t have to feel sad and guilty anymore.”
These are Lu Liruan's true feelings.
Whether Ji Shumin noticed anything amiss or not, Lu Liruan didn't care anymore at this point.
Ji Shumin remained silent for a long time. When he spoke again, he did not ask Lu Liruan why she had saved him.
"What nonsense are you talking about?" Ji Shumin took a breath, his voice a little louder, probably because he had talked too much and was getting a little anxious, and his voice wasn't so hoarse anymore.
"Why is Li Ruan belittling herself?" he said in a low voice. "Li Ruan saved me... You saved me whether you were crying or laughing, you saved me when you were making me sweet soup, and you're still saving me now..."
He laboriously raised his wrist little by little and touched a tear that Lu Liruan had shed on the bedding. The misty, wet color moistened his fingertips.
“Li Ruan is here to save me. Say some nice things to me, don’t just repeat what I’m saying…” Ji Shumin slowly recovered.
“You’re still alive even without me,” Lu Liruan murmured.
"Yes, thinking that you can do what you want to do, get what you want to get, and then leave everything behind, leaving a mess for future generations to judge, makes no sense when you think about it."
When Lu Liruan heard Ji Shumin admit that, according to the original plot, everything he did was intentional.
“This doesn’t seem like something you would do…” Lu Liruan shook her head.
"Why doesn't it look like it?"
Lu Liruan thought to herself, the reason why it is difficult to distinguish between good and bad in the history books is because your actions after ascending the throne were by no means those of a foolish ruler, but rather too radical and harsh. Even until your death, you were still concerned about the country and its people.
Just like you said yourself, you really want it, and you really can't let it go.
Lu Liruan couldn't quite describe her feelings; the sense of powerlessness and self-blame that had been weighing on her heart seemed to dissipate with Ji Shumin's words.
Ji Shumin said that he had saved him.
Lu Liruan was willing to believe what he said... she had not failed.
"You have to survive for me to consider you saved." Lu Liruan snuggled up to the bed, curling up next to Ji Shumin.
Feeling the warmth of her body, Ji Shumin sighed deeply: "Li Ruan is being so insistent..."
"Shh—" Lu Liruan stopped him from continuing.
“Okay, I promise Li Ruan.” Ji Shumin closed his eyes, his eyes reddening. “Li Ruan, just pretend I was talking nonsense. We’ll be like those dragon and phoenix candles, slowly making our way to the end together.”
When he opened his eyes again, a faint light shone through the cracks in the window. The person in his arms was heavy and pressing down on him, causing him pain. Looking down, he saw a faint dark circle under Lu Liruan's eyes. She was fast asleep and unconscious.
Lu Liruan had never imagined she would sleep so soundly. Perhaps the heavy burden on her heart had finally been lifted by Ji Shumin's words.
Ji Shumin is so smart, and he promised not to lie to me, so I can believe what he says, right?
Last night's events seemed to be over. Ji Shumin didn't bring it up again, and Lu Liruan didn't say anything either. The two tacitly stopped talking about life and death, as if talking about it made them feel like they were right next to each other.
By not mentioning it, one can pretend it's still very far away, in a place that's out of reach.
How we endured before is how we will endure afterward. The torment will not lessen because of mutual understanding, nor will the pain be reduced because of a slowed will to die.
Time passed neither quickly nor slowly, moving forward like an ox pulling a millstone, a feeling that neither of them had ever experienced before.
But that's how life is; it urges us on, makes us rush by, makes us hope and beg, and makes us endure, without sparing us even a fraction of our time.
The old doctor came to take a look.
Seeing that Ji Shumin was drowsy in the room, while Lu Liruan was quietly painting, she leaned over and asked with surprise, "You can actually calm down."
"Those days of being unable to calm down are long gone." Lu Liruan had even gotten used to it.
"Did he ever ask you for any pills?"
“Not even once,” Lu Liruan said truthfully.
"I've never seen such a hard bone before," the old doctor muttered.
"Has it gotten any better?" Lu Liruan asked softly.
“Not dying means there’s been an improvement.” The old doctor said honestly, “I didn’t dare say that before, but now that he’s still alive, I feel at ease.”